Saturday, January 2, 2010

Lost love in God..

Here I am today feeling so lost with where I am with God. As I was talking with someone earlier, it is like the switch has been turned to "off" and everything is hard to get back on again. Now it's like I am in the dark looking for that switch to turn back on but I can't find it. Now it's been exchanged for a dimmer switch and it seems to gradually come back on. I know it was my doing that got me off the trail of God's ways but how I want so much to have that desire to see things as before.

I write this as a way to get out what hides within me. Hoping as to not be judged too harshly.

Love...

What is this?
People pass you by and say "hello" but do they really care?
Words that are so powerful to one but yet so empty by another. Words with really no meaning but can be out of obligation.
Do they really see you?
The pain and the hunger for love which burns inside my soul.

Love is from God...
God is love...

I stand here reaching out. Can you hear me?
Don't talk to me out of duty? That you feel that's what you have to do. You will only hurt me more.
Love is genuine which should not be flippant. So why do those act as if they love yet turn their backs from you?
Stand with you? Be with you forever? How do you do that by turning your back on me? I give to you from all my heart with no expectations.
May you give in love. Genuine love. Puts that smile on my face and warmth to my heart.

I fight this fight within my head struggling with this issue of trust with people and God. It drives me crazy that I can't just let it go and put my trust fully in God. To see that things aren't all untrustworthy and not meaning harm.


I read this a little while ago...
Oftentimes in our battle to trust we have to wrestle with the deepest, darkest, worst fears. We must wrestle them to the ground, and then we trust. If you can wrestle that fear to the ground and know that God is still there in the quietness of the dark, then you are on your way to trusting on a whole new level.
by Nicole Johnson

This is what I am looking forward to. As I wrestle with these deepest, darkest and worst fears to the ground, I want to know that God is still there in the quietness of the dark.

Finding His Footsteps
Steph

2 comments:

Bina @ Bina's Pad said...

Oh my amazingly wonderful friend, I pray that He comes swiftly to reset the switch that allows you feel His presence there with you again...as we both know that He never left, even as our enemy works tirelessly to convince you otherwise!

I love your transparency...and I love you!

alicia said...

You have an amazing voice, and the way you express your feelings is amazing. I know I for one have walked the road you're on and I pray that your voicing it offers up a sense that you are not alone in your feelings, more than judgement. Being vulnerable is not easy, but usually we find that through our vulnerablility we find more common bonds than estrangement.

Many blessings to you as you seek your Father and feel His presence with you again.